Impact Wrestling Report - 3/9/17
Friday, March 10, 2017
The show opens with a video looking back at the early (read: pre-Hogan) years of TNA and features a whole lot of guys who are currently doing much better somewhere else, are long since retired, or dead. Then they feature guys who work here now and say that Impact Wrestling is a company that embraces the inevitability of change and is ready to prove itself again.
We start off with Eddie Edwards and Davey Richards brawling through the crowd, and Davey is gouging Eddie's eyes and asking him where he was when he was out injured. A bunch of officials pull Davey away and give Eddie a chance to recover and crotch Davey on a barricade. Davey tries to suplex Eddie out of an elevated section and onto the floor, but Eddie fights him off and dives over the fencing onto Davey. Now they go onto the entry ramp where Eddie hammers Davey with more punches while the officials try and pull them apart again. They're not successful, because they keep getting free and going back after each other.
We decide to stop paying attention to that and go to Josh and Pope, and Pope can't wait because it's almost time to meet the new management. Josh wonders why there's another seat set up at the broadcast booth, and says this won't be like Smackdown with 47 announcers. Jeremy Borash comes out and says the new announcers decided we need a little more excitement at the broadcast booth, so he's joining the broadcast team. Josh says he's been here for 15 years and if he was any good, he would have been on the broadcast team by now. Borash says that he has been here 15 years, he's never missed a day of work, and after Josh disrespected the legends, it's time for things to change. Borash says that someone named Mike Tenay used to be at that broadcast table who mentored him, and that spot was supposed to be his one day, but then a couple of idiots who don't work here anymore decided Josh was the model announcer even though he got fired from WWE. Josh says he was mentored by Jim Ross and called Wrestlemania in the Georgia Dome, but Borash says Jim Ross is a friend of his and thinks Josh is an arrogant prick, and every announcer that came before him, the man who sits in Josh's chair needs to have respect for the industry, the boys in the back, and the fans, so the new ownership decided to let him sit right there because he knows what's going on back there, he talks to the wrestlers, he talks to the fans...Josh mocks him for talking to the people, and...Cody Rhodes (with a GFW title belt in his hand) comes out to the ring and says it's time to officially start the show because the American Nightmare is in the Impact Zone!
He asks who wants to see him face Moose tonight, but the lights go out and the DCC makes their entrance. Cody leaves, and the DCC will face a brand new team who's never competed in Impact Wrestling before...after this commercial break!
SOW Tag Team Champions Reno Scum vs The DCC
Eddie Kingston and Bram are wrestling for the DCC tonight, and they jump Reno Scum before the match and get the tide turned on them. Kingston gets caught in the ring and worked over while the announcers bicker. Bram tags in and beats up the one without the mohawk, but then he eats a leg lariat. Bram slides to the floor and Kingston blindsides bald guy, but then he comes off the top rope and right into a spinebuster from mohawk guy. Mohawk guy gets Kingston in a surfboard while non-mohawk guy comes off the top rope with a double stomp for the win.
Winners: Reno Scum
James Storm is pissed off, and he starts arguing with Bram before going to yell at Kingston. Storm shakes hands with both guys and hugs them before they all walk off as we go to commercial.
We look back at the wedding from a few weeks ago, the subsequent breakdown backstage of Laurel Van Ness, then Sienna grabbing Mackenzie Miles in mid "news report" to let her know that Maria has had a nervous breakdown. Mackenzie says she thought it was contract issues, but Sienna says that was fake news and asks Mackenzie if she's saying that she isn't classy. She grabs the mic out of her hand and says that Allie isn't riding off into the sunset, because Maria had plans for her and she's going to be the one finishing what Maria started.
Braxton Sutter vs DJ Z vs Marshe Rockett vs Caleb Konley
Rockett talks down to everyone else, but then he gets laid out and goes to the floor with Sutter while DJ Z and Konley do spot spot spot spot. DJ Z does a dive, Rockett plants Konley with a spinebuster, DJ Z comes off the top with a crossbody, Rockett catches him and hits a powerslam. Rockett nearly kills Sutter with a powerbomb into the corner, Konley small packages Rockett for 2, Everyone runs into Rockett's elbow, Rockett comes off the second rope and everyone else triple dropkicks Rocket. You know what? Nothing's changed here. They do spots until Allie does a dive off the top rope to the floor on Rockett, then Sutter hits a swinging fisherman's suplex for the win.
Winner: Braxton Sutter
Allie and Braxton kiss, then Laurel Van Ness comes out of the back, still in her wedding dress, still apparently drunk, and screaming at them while they look back in disbelief.
We go back to the Hardy Compound where the Hardys will apparently face Smokin' Joe later tonight.
Sienna vs Rachael Ellering
Sienna powers Ellering around, then Ellering hits a bicycle kick and a rolling sunsert flip for 2. Sienna tries to turn it into a brawl, and Ellering hangs with her, gets the advantage, and knocks Sienna flat on her back with a right hand and then hits a senton for 2. Josh and Borash keep bickering until Pope finally tells them to both shut up. Borash talks about Ellering's athletic history as she hits another big boot and a leaping enziguiri. Sienna rolls to the floor, but catches Ellering with a forearm and a running clothesline coming back in for 2. Ellering continues unloading on Sienna and flattens her with an STO. Ellering with a springboard spinning legdrop for 2. Sienna catches Ellering out of nowhere with the Silencer and covers for the win while Josh continues yelling at Borash about being a sh##ty announcer.
Josh and Borash keep bickering after the match, and we see another preview of the Hardys vs Smokin' Joe.
Hey look, it's Bruce Prichard! He's back in Impact Wrestling, and after plugging his podcast and website, he wants to say that Impact Wrestling is not the same as he remembers, not the one he knows. It's not long ago that he was backstage and they were on the cusp of greatness, an Impact with hope, with a group of guys and girls who wanted to achieve greatness, and feel what it was like to be great. They were so damn close, but it didn't happen, so he's here to tell us, and this is not a rib, TNA is dead. New owners, new management, and a new name: Impact Wrestling. We also have new coaches and players, and the people at the top look for people who have achieved greatness in the past, so the owners of Impact Wrestling called him since he's been there. He was there when Hulkamania was running wild, BROTHER. He was there when Stone Cold Steve Austin opened his first can of whoop ass. He smelled what the Rock was cooking. He saw John Cena long before we couldn't see him. He knows how to make wrestling great, and he sure as hell knows how to make an impact. You start at the top with the single greatest hybrid athlete in the world, with walking armageddon, and with the man he has the pleasure to introduce right now, "Walking Armageddon" Bobby Lashley. Bobby thanks Bruce for recognizing his greatness, and he names a bunch of people he steamrolled over, and also that he defended the President of the United States. Bruce says the one name that the greatest all-around athlete in the world today should be is the Impact World Champion, Bobby Lashley. Bruce says that's going to change since they'll have no choice BUT to recognize him as the best because there's nobody back there good enough to challenge or defeat him. Here comes Alberto El Patron, whose music hits followed by him walking out the instant the words were out of Prichard's mouth. I guess Prichard didn't notice him with his nose to the curtain backstage. Josh talks about everything Alberto did in WWE as Bruce introduces him, and Bobby tells him not to make the same mistake as everyone else by listening to the fans. Alberto tells the perro to shut up, then tells Bobby that he hasn't beaten him yet. Now Ethan Carter III comes out to the ring and says you don't just get title shots, you have to earn it, and he knows someone who earned it by carrying this company on his perfectly symmetrical back for years now, and that's EC3, BI###. EC3 challenges Lashley tonight, but Lashley says he's beaten him enough times and he can climb his ass back at the bottom because he's done. Lashley tells "Superstar" to step up and say what he wants, so Alberto takes the mic out of EC3's hands and says "let's dance, Bobby." Bruce says if they both want to fight, let's do it TONIGHT! EC3 stands there with a WTF look on his face as everyone ignores him and leaves.
We go to the announce team where Josh busts Borash's chops for being on the phone, but Borash says we have a legend who just arrived backstage who has never been here before, and I guess we'll find out who that is later on tonight.
We go backstage to Mackenzie Miles, who wants to know whether Eddie Edwards expected all of this with Davey Richards and Angelina Love. Eddie says he never expected Davey to stoop this low, but Angelina comes in and says that's her husband he's talking about, and while Davey was home injured, everyone forgot about him and what's worse, Eddie forgot about him. Angelina says he's not a real man, because she married a real man "The Lone Wolf" Davey Richards. He has one more message for Eddie, and Angelina slaps him. Eddie says if Davey is a real man, how come his wife hits harder than he does?
We go back to the announcers where Josh is STILL talking about how this show would fall apart without him when Cody comes back out and asks where Moose is. Borash stands up and says everyone knows Moose is in Japan, but Cody asks Josh who this stooge is. He wants to know where Moose is, and until he gets here, he's going to throw his GFW Next Gen Title into the ring and wait for him. Security follows Cody around and he warns them to back off, so he slides into the ring, looks around, then goes back to the floor, hops the rail, and heads toward the back.
Bobby Lashley talks about how he's going to make Impact Wrestling great again.
Dutch Mantell comes out to the top of the ramp on his scooter and says he used to be Zeb Coulter, but his real name is Dutch Mantel, and this is the first time he's ever been on TV in Impact Wrestling. He used to be called "Dirty" Dutch Mantel because he's been in this business for more than 40 years, longer than most fans have even been on this planet. He's been all over the world several times over, and this business, professional wrestling, took him there. He's in love with professional wrestling, because if it wasn't for this business, he doesn't know what he would have done. But he's not here to talk about himself: he's here to talk about Impact Wrestling, because the ink was barely dry on the paper when they called him up, just like Bruce Prichard, and asked him if he'd be interested in helping Impact Wrestling great again. He was here eight years ago when TNA was great, but a picture tells a thousand words, and he talks about when AJ Styles was here, when Samoa Joe was here, when Bobby Roode was here, when Sting was here, when Kurt Angle was here, when Kevin Nash was here, when Christian was here, when Booker T was here, but they all drifted away for a reason. He doesn't want to bash anyone here, he's just telling the straight truth: they said there was a lack of leadership, a lack of vision, and a lack of respect. They all left, he left, but they didn't expect the fans, the paying customers to leave, the people who pay the bills, and when the ink was dry on the paper, and the new owners asked him how to make Impact Wrestling great, his first words were to bring the people back. He's working here now, he's not a boss, he's not an authority figure, but he gives advice because his boss is the fans, and when he listens to the fans, they're suggesting things they want to see, and he wants to give this company back to them. Tehy made it, and they'll make it great. He closes by asking everyone in this building to stand up, put their hand on their heart, and say "We the people...will make Impact Wrestling great." He is Dutch Mantel, and he approves this message.
The World Title is on the line after this break!
Back to the Hardy Compound, where BROKEN Matt tells Brother Nero that he brought him here to box with Smokin' Joe Frazier (the kangaroo). They wrestle a bit, Joe gets Brother Nero in a headlock, then Joe goes after Matt and repeatedly kicks him, then goes back to Brother Nero and licks him before repeatedly trying to kick him in the ding ding. Matt then says it's time for them to continue the Expedition of Gold, and they grab Vanguard-1 and disappear...and they reappear in the parking lot outside the Impact Zone as Decay! Abyss says it works, and Rosemary tells us that the BROKEN Hardys have now been deleted! They pick up the World Tag Team Title belts, and Crazzzzzzzzzzzzzy Steve says, "Thanks for the ride, you bucket of bolts!" before they laugh and leave with the title belts.
Jeremy Borash is in the ring telling us that it will be time to celebrate the 15th anniversary of Impact Wrestling at Slammiversary on July 2, 2017! Josh is at ringside having a fit over Borash getting to do the announcement, but then it's...MAIN EVENT TIME!
Impact Wrestling World Title Match: Bobby Lashley vs Alberto El Patron
Josh talks a bunch more about what Alberto did in WWE, and then we go to commercial.
They tie up and neither man gets anywhere, so Alberto boots Lashley in the gut, rams him into the corner, and snapmares him for 1. Lashley fires back on Alberto, then whips him hard into the corner and Alberto collapses to the mat. Lashley chokes Alberto on the bottom rope and puts the boots to him, then takes the fight to the floor. Alberto lays Lashley out with a big right hand as Borash talks a bit about Alberto's MMA background and why that means he doesn't fear Lashley. Alberto rams Lashley into the announce table, then rolls him into the ring and comes off the top rope with a double axhandle for 2. Alberto to a three quarter nelson, but Lashley gets free, runs Alberto over with a hard clothesline, then hits a neckbreaker for 2. Lashley dumps Alberto to the floor, then goes out after him and whips him into the ring steps. Lashley sends Alberto back into the ring and stands on his face. Yargh. Lashley vertical drops onto Alberto's back and now he goes to a rear chinlock. Alberto tries to pick up the pace, but another clothesline puts him right back on the mat, then a delayed vertical suplex plants Alberto back in the mat. Lashley sets up for the spear, but charges into a dropkick to the face, and both men are down. EC3 comes out to watch the match from the top of the ramp, and Lashley catches sight of him and is briefly distracted before he goes back to hammering Alberto with right hands as we go to commercial.
We come back as Alberto hits a series of clotheslines and a lungblower for 2. Alberto ducks a clothesline that ends up drilling the referee, and Alberto immediately rolls Lashley into a cross armbreaker. A second referee comes out to check on Lashley, who is caught right in the middle of the ring but refuses to tap. Lashley locks his hands and rolls on top of Alberto, picks himup, and powerbombs him. Lashley covers for 2, but Alberto topples Lashley and connects with a double stomp to the chest for 2. Lashley goes for a powerslam, Alberto slips out, so Lashley hits a spinebuster for 2. Theref gets bumped on a spear Alberto dodged out of the way of, but Lashley plants Alberto with another spinebuster. Lashley goes to the floor and grabs the belt, but Alberto catches him with a superkick as he comes into the ring. Alberto gets the belt, drills Lashley with it, and covers for the win.
Winner and NEW Impact Wrestling World Champion: Alberto El Patron
Ethan Carter III looks exasperated at ringside as Alberto is handed the belt and announced as the new champion. Good match, and the referees are arguing as Alberto celebrates with the belt. Lashley starts shoving the referees around as a bunch of officials come down to the ring to triage the situation. Alberto gets on top of the broadcast table, goes "si si si" to the fans, and the referees and officials are still arguing as Alberto walks past an applauding EC3 and we call it a night.